


The Violence Done To Us

by GermanShepherd



Series: Im/Patience [3]
Category: Mission: Impossible (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Coming Out, First Time, Flashbacks, Fluff and Smut, Healing, M/M, Rope Bondage, don't worry it's all very gentle and loving, pre- and post-Fallout
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-18
Updated: 2018-09-18
Packaged: 2019-06-29 03:56:20
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 12,637
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15721482
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GermanShepherd/pseuds/GermanShepherd
Summary: You can't just save the world from near-disaster and walk away like it hasn't changed you. Especially not when the one you love was nearly killed in the process.Unfortunately, this is not an unusual occurrence for Ethan and Benji.How Ethan and Benji deal with the events of MI:Fallout, and what they did in the two years previous.





	1. Skin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you haven't read the previous two parts of this series, Ethan and Benji have been together since shortly after the events of MI5: Rogue Nation, which is about two years before the events of Fallout.

As soon as Ilsa and Luther leave Ethan’s side, Benji sits by the bed and takes Ethan's hand, smiling ear to ear. He squeezes Ethan's hand gently - his smile wavers. When he closes his eyes, tears run down his face. He sinks forward onto Ethan's hand. A heavy sadness falls over them both.

 

The first night out of Kashmir, they lie skin to skin, totally silent, holding onto the pieces of themselves that they still have. They both wonder, independently, when it will be too much to handle. When they'll fail for real. Benji hopes they'll die together. Ethan hopes, when he finally pays the ultimate price, that Benji will be somewhere safe and far away. Ethan takes a deep breath. Benji fidgets and shifts a little, but he’s careful not to touch Ethan’s wounds, almost like he’s memorised where they all are. Neither of them sleep.

 

“I had dreams about him, Benji. Before it all happened. Dreams about Julia, and the world going up in a nuclear blast.”

They're lying side by side in Benji's bed after another stark night. Benji turns towards Ethan, and a selfish part of him worries about how much Julia's been on Ethan's mind recently.

“About Lane?” he asks.

Ethan nods and closes his eyes. “It was like he’d come between us and contaminated our marriage. Not that we're married anymore. But I…”

He trails off. Benji knows. Ethan still loves her, of course he does, he'll never stop. She's amazing. Benji swallows hard, trying to make his heart go back into his chest instead of suffocating him in his throat. When he'd heard Ethan say Julia's name over the comms, with all the strangled love and shock, he'd thought it was all over: the months of Ethan chasing him, the weeks it took Benji to realise he wanted Ethan, the blissful days when everything was perfect, and the two years they'd spent working and being as one. It seemed that all it took to unravel them was one conversation with Julia. Benji clenches his jaw and refuses to give form to his worst fear. Well, second-worst. The real worst fear is that Ethan will die doing something horrifically stupid, and brave.

“He really gets into your brain,” Benji says simply, and Ethan nods again.

It's only been a few days since Kashmir. They can't talk about what happened to them, not yet.

 

They're both still healing, waiting for bruises to fade and cuts to close over.

 

They show up to Hunley’s funeral, if it could be called that, with a bottle of fine scotch and two plastic tumblers. The rest of the IMF has done the same. It’s not an official ceremony. Typically, agents are returned to their families, or, if they have no family, they’re buried in a pseudonymous grave on government ground, almost as if they never really died. Or existed. Hunley was the latter. Ethan and Benji watch the casket go into the ground. The groundsmen fill the gash in the earth with loose dirt, and when they leave, the IMF gives their final toasts.

Benji knows Ethan has lost plenty of team members, but this is a first for him. He imagines Ethan is beating himself up for this one, too. Benji sees Luther meet Ethan’s eyes across the grave. Those two have been in this game together since the beginning, and Benji wonders if it ever gets any easier. For a moment he wonders when it’ll be his turn. Or Luther’s. Or Ethan’s.

 

\- BEFORE KASHMIR -

“We've been going out for three weeks and we still haven't stayed at your place,” Benji says as he shuts the door and throws the keys in a little tray next to the entrance. Ethan loves this domesticity, all security concerns aside.

“Does it bother you?” Ethan asks. “We can go to mine next time.”

“No, it's just...my place can't be that nice compared to yours.”

“Why not? Your place is nicer than mine.”

“My place? Nicer than yours?” Benji’s face falls. “Oh, god, your place is like a prison cell, isn’t it?”

Ethan shrugs. “Not much point making it nice if I’m never there.”

“I thought you’d be the type of person to make things nice just because.”

“I’m not sure it’s worth it.”

“Not worth it?” Benji peels off his leather jacket and throws it on the couch. “You need somewhere nice in between missions. A bit of normalcy. I thought you were the mental health guy!”

“I dunno. I'm hardly ever there.”

Benji’s brow furrows as he stares at Ethan.

“What?”

“Stop me if this sounds crazy,” Benji begins, “but what if you moved in here with me?”

Ethan can't help it - he smiles and laughs. He loves this place. There are traces of Benji everywhere, from the tartan blanket on the couch to the sheet music on the bookshelves. This apartment is homey and comforting, and he would love nothing more than to live here.

“It's not crazy,” he says. “But we're gonna have to up the security around here.”

“If that's the price of having you here all the time, I accept.”

It takes Ethan a couple of days to inspect the place, install digital signal disruptors in case there’s surveillance, create several blind spots for safety from the windows, hide weapons and go-bags, and install a biometric lock that opens for only the two of them. It only takes him an hour, however, to bring all of his things. Benji lies on the bed, watching Ethan fill his side of the wardrobe.

“Your clothes, they’re all so…”

“Basic?”

“Classy.”

Ethan turns around, raising his eyebrows.

“They are! I’ve graduated from band t-shirts and ratty sneakers to” - he gestures to himself - “whatever this is, because of you.”

“Glad I’ve been a good influence on you.”

“Got any knick knacks? Books? I made some space for you here and there.”

Ethan shakes his head. “Just clothes. Toothpaste. I’ve got a laptop, too.”

Benji rolls his eyes. “Yeah, that’s too much, you’re gonna have to move out again.”

Ethan empties the box and shuts the wardrobe. When he turns around Benji is grinning at him.

“It’s our place now,” Benji says.

 _Our place_ , Ethan repeats to himself. It hasn’t been like this since he lived with Julia. He climbs onto the bed and props himself up on one elbow so he can look at Benji. “It’s an honour,” he says.

Benji laughs.

“No, really. Thank you.” There’s a lot he wants to say, but he’s not sure how to say it, and he knows he’s prone to sappiness. But maybe he doesn’t need to say it at all. He wriggles closer to Benji and lays an arm over his waist. Benji’s smile pulls at the corners of his mouth, making the little creases around his eyes that Ethan loves so much. Ethan kisses him. His hand presses in the small of Benji’s back. A deep laugh forms in Benji’s chest - he kisses Ethan back and grabs hold of the hair at the back of Ethan’s head. Their mouths open wider to deepen their kisses; Benji’s tongue flicks into Ethan’s mouth and Ethan sighs. He realises he’s been grinding against Benji, but he doesn’t stop himself. Benji’s other hand reaches down and grabs Ethan’s butt. Benji growls another laugh.

“What?” Ethan says, panting a little.

“You’re so hot,” he replies. “It’s unbelievable.” He’s still chuckling. Ethan can’t be annoyed, because Benji’s pressing their hips together. Ethan flips Benji onto his back and climbs on top. He grinds into Benji, interrupting the giggles. Their fingers intertwine against the sheets. They kiss desperately, heedless of taking the breaths they need.

“Benj,” Ethan sighs. Benji extracts his hands from Ethan’s and scrambles to undo his pants. “Do you want to?” Ethan asks. “I know we haven’t -- “

Benji cuts him off by grabbing his head and pressing a sloppy kiss to his mouth. “Yes.”

Their pants come off. Benji’s fingers trace shapes along Ethan’s chest as Ethan peels off first his shirt, then Benji’s.

“You’re gorgeous,” Ethan says just before he pushes his hand under the waistband of Benji’s boxer briefs. Benji’s breath catches. His cock is warm and hard in Ethan’s hand. Ethan begins to stroke him, and kisses him hard, pressing him into the mattress. Benji’s hands find Ethan’s ass and pull him down against Benji’s thigh. The two of them grind and gasp, quickly losing themselves in the sensations of skin on skin and self to self. Benji moans, making Ethan harder than before; Ethan yanks down his own boxers, pulls himself out, and strokes the two of them together. Benji whimpers. Ethan leans down and grazes Benji’s jaw with his teeth, feeling the slight stubble scrape against his lips. He feels Benji’s back arch under him. Benji’s eyes are closed, his eyebrows are furrowed just a little, and something about his open mouth is utterly obscene. Ethan strokes faster. Benji bites his lip. The blush that fills Benji’s cheeks makes Ethan swear under his breath. He is the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen, completely open and free. Ethan’s heart fills. He takes his dick out of his hand so he can focus on stroking Benji, who is gasping for breath now, the surface of his stomach trembling.

“Oh, god,” Benji moans.

“Come on, baby,” Ethan says. He pushes him to the brink. He can feel Benji asking for release. He takes him over.

Benji comes with punchy breaths. The cum lands mostly on his stomach and chest. Ethan guides him through the last few pulses and wastes no time in returning to his own cock. He leans down and plants kisses over Benji’s nipples. He’s close. He licks a stripe through the cum on Benji’s chest and feels himself go over the precipice. With a silent moan, he comes, and his own cum spurts out and mixes with Benji’s. Energy gone, he collapses onto Benji.

“Fuck, that was hot,” Benji says.

Ethan turns his head to face him. “So it was okay?”

“Uh, yeah!” Benji scoffs comically. “It was!” He pauses. “I’ve never done anything with a man before.”

Ethan tilts his head. “What? Really?”

“Yeah.”

“Am I the first man you’ve dated?”

“Well, yeah.”

“Oh. What an honour.”

“Stop saying that, you dweeb.”

“I mean it.”

“I know! You’re a dweeb!”

Ethan runs a hand through Benji’s hair. “You’re my favourite person.”

Benji smiles, blinks, then smiles wider. He grins at Ethan. “You’re my favourite person, too.”

 

\- AFTER KASHMIR -

Ethan drives them back from the cemetery. He has a bad track record with cars, but he’s the best driver Benji’s ever seen, even including the many crashes they’ve had. Today he’s totally silent. Not unlike the past week or so ever since...then.

It’s been a lot, Benji reminds himself to dispel his worries. It was their fault they lost the plutonium in the first place, and he knows that weighs even more heavily on Ethan’s shoulders than on Benji’s. But he can’t help thinking that Ethan has been thinking about Julia, rather than the near-end-of-the-world. The way they looked at each other broke Benji’s heart. He’s never seen Ethan look so torn apart, even after dozens of fucked-up missions, and it was because of Julia. They married each other thinking they would be each other’s one and only. And then they were pulled apart, quite against their own personal feelings. Ethan stills loves her. He loves her so much. Julia was Ethan’s first choice. Where does that leave Benji?

“What’s up, Benj?”

Benji jumps as he’s startled out of his thoughts. “Nothing.”

“You seem wound up.”

“Yeah, I guess I am.” He knows he’ll have to tell Ethan eventually. They don’t keep things from each other. But he doesn’t think now is the best time, when it’s all so fresh still. They haven’t even started to talk about the things that have happened. They have to process first.

“Something wrong?”

“I’ve been...thinking about wearing Lane’s face.” It’s not _not_ true. He has been thinking about it. “Hearing his voice come out of my mouth. He’s probably the last person I wanted to impersonate.”

“I know.” Ethan glances at him for a second, but not too long that he isn’t still watching the road. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Benji croaks out. His throat has just closed up tight. They don’t need to say out loud how much it scared them to have Lane out in the world again, even briefly. It was the right thing to do. But it still makes Benji’s skin crawl.

They drive past a woman with long brown hair, and Benji does a double take despite himself. Of course it’s not Julia. She’s probably somewhere very remote, doing something very selfless.

He groans internally. Great. Now he’s given himself a stomach ache over something that he can’t even talk to Ethan about.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have a LOT of feelings about Fallout and I haven't been able to stop thinking about it since I saw it. So here's a fic about it. I hope the flashbacks aren't too confusing; there will be more of them.
> 
> I just really needed to explore what happened in the two years between Rogue Nation and Fallout...that's so much time to be a couple, you know?


	2. Trust

\- AFTER KASHMIR -

The medical agent comes by, scolds Ethan for driving so soon with his ribs, scolds Benji for letting him, and gives them another supply of painkillers to last the rest of the week. As much as Ethan knows to follow medical advice, he just can't sit still for more than a few hours, unless he's on a job. But they're on medical leave, and the medical agent will know if they push it. So they stock up on food, books, and movies (dumb ones are Benji's first choice, but Ethan has gotten a few indie films in the mix) and sequester themselves in their apartment for the foreseeable future. Each of them is acutely aware of the other's injuries. They still haven't talked about what happened.

Ethan has to lie down. He's trying not to use the painkillers too much, and he's done well, but today has been torture. Moving around and driving hasn’t helped. He claims the sofa as an impromptu bed and decides not to move for the next three hours at least. Unless he has to pee. He might need to ask for help walking; it's that bad at the moment.

“Something's been bothering me,” Benji's voice comes from the other side of the room.

Ethan tries to turn his head to look at Benji but he's out of his sightlines. He doesn't want to risk twisting around. “What is it?”

“I feel foolish saying it, but it's been on my mind and making me feel shit, so I think I should just get it out there.” He pauses and sighs in exasperation. “Oh god, this is gonna make me sound so jealous.”

“What?”

“Ever since we ran into Julia I've been really worried.”

“Worried about?”

“I'm - look, this is about my insecurities and impostor syndrome, but I - I feel like second-best compared to Julia.”

Ethan is silent. He hadn't thought about how running into Julia would make Benji feel.

“I mean, you guys were  _married_. You didn't break up because of a bad relationship. You were a perfect couple. And I'm really sorry you guys split up, but…”

Ethan knows there's little point stopping the word vomit until Benji gets out what he needs to say, so he lets him continue.

“...I've felt like the luckiest man alive these past two years, and I couldn't take it if...if you didn't love me as much as her. Oh, god, there it is. Please tell me that seeing her hasn't made you regret being with me.”

Ethan takes a deep breath. “Benji, come over here so I can look at you; I can't move.”

Benji pads over and kneels at the sofa. The bruise marks around his throat are deep purple and green now.

“I’ll be honest,” Ethan says, “Julia and I still love each other. That’s just how marriage is. But we’ve both moved on. She told me that she was happy. I didn't ruin everything for her like I thought I had. She’s  _happy_. That’s as much as I could ask for her. And you know what?”

“What?”

“I’m happy, too. And that’s because I have you.”

Benji forces a smile, but there’s still uncertainty in his eyes.

“Benji, I’ve loved you for a long time.” He wonders if he should say this to him, if it would make things...weird. But he decides he needs to tell Benji everything. He doesn’t want him wondering if he’s loved. “The first time I noticed you, actually, I was still married to Julia. You know how you still notice people, even if you’re in a relationship?”

Benji nods.

“You were on my mind. And then you - ” Ethan laughs, and then winces, because his ribs are protesting. “You were so excited to become a field agent, you were  _so_ cute, and you were so dedicated that I just...  _couldn’t_ help falling in love with you.”

“That was years ago.”

“I know.”

Benji rests a hand on Ethan’s arm.

“You’re not second-best to anyone. Benj, you’re  _amazing_. You're…” Ethan struggles for words. He doesn’t even know how to say what he feels about Benji. He makes Ethan laugh. He makes him feel human again. He reminds him there’s more to life than just the struggle to stop hell on earth again and again and again.

Ethan tries to put this simply. “You’re what’s worth living for in this world.” He barks a laugh. “No pressure.”

Benji takes a long shuddering breath. “I didn’t know that.”

“Don’t ever think you’re not good enough.”  
  
Benji nods and puts on a weak smile.

“Also…”

“What?”

“I have to pee. Can you help me up?”

“Ha. Sure.”

 

They go to bed that night with plenty of aches and groans despite the fresh medication. Ethan settles himself, arranging the pillows just so, and watches Benji undress. Benji’s got bruises all over his torso and quite a few cuts here and there, which isn’t unusual for them. It’s the marks around his neck that make Ethan’s skin crawl. He can guess what happened. Imagining it makes him sick to his stomach. Benji turns and looks at him; his eyes dart down Ethan’s form and he flashes a sad smile. Ethan glances down at himself. He well and truly looks like shit. He’s had broken ribs before, in addition to all the other injuries that he currently has. These - these are taking much longer to heal.

Benji climbs into bed, careful not to jostle Ethan, and turns out the light.

Ethan sleeps. For a time.

It’s in the small darkness of the early morning that he snaps into wakefulness.

_None of this would have happened if you hadn't lost the plutonium. Was it worth it?_

_Of course it was. Luther’s alive because of it._

_One life? For millions?_

_I made it right, in every way I could, large and small. I took every opportunity to put some good back in the world._

_Which you only had to do because you fucked up in possibly the biggest way someone can fuck up._

_But we’re all alive._

_And? You fucked up._

Ethan stares at the ceiling and listens to Benji’s breathing. His pain is the only other thing that keeps him company until morning.

 

 - BEFORE KASHMIR -

They’re sharing a blanket on the couch, catching up on the soccer scores after Ethan’s homemade sesame chicken and steamed broccoli. Rather, Benji is catching up on the soccer scores and Ethan is paging through a book on film history. Benji loops an arm around Ethan’s shoulders and strokes his neck absently.

“Have you ever been tied up?” he asks.

“Yeah, lots of times.”

“I mean, like, for intimacy purposes.”

“Oh. Then no.”

“Would you want to try it?”

“If you’re curious, then sure, let’s try it.” Ethan knows his nervous face. “Do you want to be tied up, too?”

“Yeah, I think so. Only because it’s you. I’ve never been interested with anyone else.” Benji meets his eyes for a naked second. “We can alternate. Practice, you know.”

“Can I ask why?”

Benji looks away. “I think the idea of giving up control could be...good for us. You know. Being vulnerable, but safe the whole time.”

“I get it. Don’t be embarrassed; let’s try it. We’ll get the right rope and some how-to manuals.”

Benji chuckles. “You don’t do anything half-arsed, do you?”

“Who, me?”

 

Benji practices the knots so much that he memorises them. They start small. One Thursday night, they take out the rope and strip naked. Benji stands there looking at Ethan with concern.

“Benji, it’s fine,” he says. “I trust you.” He pulls Benji close. “It’s just my hands, like we said.”

“You’re sure?”

Ethan smiles. “Yeah. It’ll be good.”

He takes his place on the bed; Benji places a pillow behind his head, pulls his arms up above his head, and ties his hands one at a time to the headboard. The sound of the rope gliding and catching on itself is calming to Ethan. In another situation, it would be distressing, and he’d be looking for a way out. But he reminds himself: he’s safe. He’s with Benji.

“Is that okay? Does that feel alright?”

Ethan tests the knots. “Fine,” he says, and smiles roguishly. “Feels familiar.”

“If it feels  _too_ familiar, let me know and I’ll untie you right away.”

Ethan nods.

“Close your eyes.”

He does as he’s told. Benji climbs on top, and squeezes Ethan’s hips with his thighs. Ethan feels Benji’s fingers ghosting up and down his arms and he shivers at the sensation. Hands run over his biceps and across his neck. A kiss surprises his lips. Benji sighs ardent breaths over Ethan’s chest as he traces the lines of Ethan’s muscles and ribs. He plants a kiss on Ethan’s stomach and Ethan draws in a quick breath. Ethan feels everything keenly - the soft sheets under his legs, the thick rope pulling at his wrists, the warmth of Benji’s thighs, and the slight weight of Benji’s balls resting next to his dick. Benji’s warmth is gone momentarily; then Ethan feels Benji’s mouth on the tender skin at the top of his thigh for just a moment before Ethan's cock is enveloped in a hot, soft warmth.

A silent moan catches in Ethan’s throat in surprise and he yanks at his bonds involuntarily. He opens his eyes and his stomach twists in desire when he sees Benji’s head between his legs. Ethan gasps for breath. He feels a tightness in the bottom of his stomach and he can’t help himself from bucking a little. Benji follows his movements, taking as much of Ethan as he can. Ethan throws his head back into the pillows. His wrists pull at the rope again as he tries to contend with the sensations Benji is giving him. He would reach down and run his fingers through Benji’s hair if he could, but all he can do is suffer deliciously while Benji does his work. Ethan moans. That’s the first time he’s ever made an audible noise during sex.

Benji pulls up to catch his breath. He strokes Ethan and kisses his inner thigh. He holds Ethan’s gaze as long as he can until the angle is too much as he goes back down.

Warmth builds in Ethan's groin even as chills run up and down his spine. Benji's rhythm picks up and it's perfect, almost too much to take. Ethan hooks a leg over Benji's shoulder and feels Benji grin around his erection. His hips keen up into Benji's mouth. He feels the tightness in his stomach start to constrict and he pants his breaths. Benji slows. Ethan looks down at him, helpless.

“What?” Benji says coyly, with a shit-eating grin on his face.

“You tease,” Ethan says. His voice comes out whinier than he thought it would. They both know all Ethan can do is lie there.

Benji resumes his work by licking all the way up Ethan's shaft from the base. Ethan hisses a curse and leans back again.

“Please,” he says hoarsely. Ethan can’t even think anymore; his back arches and his eyelids flutter without his control. The feeling of surrender is all there is. The tightness returns. Benji stops sucking and takes Ethan into his hand to finish him off.

Ethan cries out. For a few seconds, everything goes black. When he comes back to himself, there’s cum on his chest and Benji is running his hands up and down Ethan’s thighs with a soft smile on his face that makes his eyes crinkle. Benji climbs up towards Ethan and lies next to him, places a hand on his chest. Ethan sees Benji’s still-hard erection.

“Do you want me to take care of that?” he asks.

“No.” Benji runs his hand along Ethan's torso, barely avoiding the wetness. “I just wanted to do this for you.” Benji meets Ethan’s eyes. “Was it alright? How’s the rope?”

Ethan lets out a sigh. Then he laughs, suddenly filled with joy.

“Good?”

“Yeah. Really, really good.”

 

It doesn't take them long to realise that being a couple in the IMF is extremely distressing for both parties involved, seeing as almost every mission requires insane amounts of risk and courage, not to mention the resilience it takes to recover from being in life or death situations. Ethan and Benji have worked out a system: after a hard job, they both take a few days to process everything that's happened to them, then, when they're ready, they tell each other what happened without holding anything back. The catch is that neither of them are allowed to freak out at the risks the other has taken or the beatings the other has been subjected to, because this is the job they've signed up for. Then, when they've shared everything, they promise to accept what has happened to each other. That's how they stay sane. That's how they sort through trauma. Even though Ethan doesn't like that word.

Their last job wasn’t particularly exciting, but it was dangerous. In the shootout, Benji ended up with a gun to his head. It was only the split-second distraction Ethan provided that allowed Benji to disarm his opponent and turn the gun on him.

Ethan is unhappy about this. Benji says that it was only his own fault, that he should have been more careful. But they both know Benji has never been better in the field, and that sometimes, shit happens. No matter how many precautions they take.

“You know, you should probably stop promising that you won't let anything happen to me,” Benji says after they discuss it.

“What are you talking about?”

“You know. When something goes wrong and we're in deep shit, you say ‘I won't let anything happen to you’, even though we both know you can't possibly control that.”

“You're alive, aren’t you?”

“Yeah, but…” Benji sighs indignantly. “This job is so  _stupidly_ dangerous, that - ”

“As long as it's in my power to protect you, I will.”

“And even when it's not in your power?”

“Yes.”

Benji looks defeated. “Ethan, I love you. I'd die for you in a heartbeat. We all would. You know that.” Ethan balks at that but Benji keeps going. “Let's just minimise the chances, alright?”

“When don't we minimise the chances?”

“I...I dunno. It feels like we're always gambling.”

“We are.”

“I'm not suggesting we retire or anything ridiculous like that. I know we're never really safe. I just wish we could stop worrying about whether you or I will still be alive in six months.”

Ethan swallows hard. He's not sure where these tears came from, but he's going to shove them down, because he needs Benji to understand. “Benji,” he begins, “when I was still with Julia, I worried about that all the time. And bad things did happen to her, even though she wasn't even an agent. What I'm saying is - we can't control the future. We can only live,  _right now_.” He studies Benji's face. As good an actor as Benji is when he's on a job, his face is an open book to Ethan, and Ethan reads dread there. “This is our job. Our life.” He places a hand on Benji's cheek. “We can't stop.”

“I know.” He scoffs a uniquely-Benji noise of resignation. “Believe me, I know.”

It’s incredible to Ethan that there are only a handful of people in the entire world who can really understand what they go through: the prices they pay, the weights they carry, and the scars they bear. One of those people is standing right here in front of him.  _Thank god for you_ , he thinks.

“So we just keep going,” Benji says.

“Yes.”

“Whatever happens.”

“Whatever happens,” Ethan repeats.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic is turning out to be waaay angstier than I expected. Hopefully it's okay. There will be smut/fluff sprinkled throughout.
> 
> All I wanted to do was explore their coping strategies, damn it!! Now I'm crying!!


	3. Family

\- BEFORE KASHMIR -

They’ve decided. They’re going to tell Jane and Brandt. And if it goes well, maybe they’ll tell Luther, too, at some point. Benji’s nervous; he feels like they should maybe keep this relationship just between them, although he’s not ashamed of it, or anything, he just feels like maybe it’s not anyone’s business? But then again, other couples – straight couples, that is – are really open with their relationships most of the time, but on the other hand, Ethan and Benji work together, and that’s usually a no-no, so what if they’re not allowed to work together on the job? That would be terrible; they work so well together and –

Ethan insists it will be fine.

Brandt is at the bar already; he and Jane have just gotten back from an intel mission in Southeast Asia somewhere, and Brandt looks like he hasn’t slept in a week. Which maybe he hasn’t. He’s at the end of telling them how he tried to explain the remnants of a torn-off facemask to the housekeeper of the little bed-and-breakfast he was based in when Jane walks up.

“You just never think about it when you’re in the middle of a job,” Brandt finishes, and shrugs.

“Is this the housekeeper thing?” Jane asks.

“Yeah.”

“You’re an idiot,” she says, laughing.

Brandt shrugs again.

“So how are you two?” Jane asks.

It’s Benji’s turn to shrug. “Nothing interesting lately. Not tons of work. Still haven’t worn a mask.”

Ethan barks a laugh, then looks sheepish. “Sorry.”

“Jerk. You get to wear masks all the time.”

“They’re not comfortable, Benji.”

“They’re, like, 70% of the reason I became a field agent.”

“What’s the other 30%?”

Benji blinks. “You serious?” He gestures vaguely in Ethan’s direction. “Working with a legend, obviously.”

Jane and Brandt smile and share a look. Ethan sees this and glances at Benji. He’s gonna rip off the bandaid, he doesn’t care if it’s awkward.

“Benji and I are a couple,” Ethan says matter-of-factly.

Brandt fidgets for a second, then shares another look with Jane, who is grinning ear to ear.

“Any thoughts?” Ethan asks.

“Thanks for telling us,” Brandt begins, “but we already knew.” He lifts up his glass. “Cheers.”

“You knew?”

Jane reigns her smile in to a sly smirk. “Not that two friends can’t spend lots of time together, but you two spend a _lot_ of time together.”

“Also, you moved in with each other a month ago.”

Benji turns to Ethan. “That’s true, that’s a dead giveaway right there.”

Ethan brushes this aside. “Does headquarters know?”

“No,” Brandt says. “They don’t see as much of you as we do. Which isn’t that much, mind you; you’re the most active field agent there is, followed by Benji in distant second.”

Jane frowns. “I think you should let the Secretary know.”

All three of them look at her.

“The IMF needs to know,” she says, looking between them like it was obvious. “So they can prevent any contingencies.”

“You mean like if one of them gets kidnapped and the other one throws all caution to the wind to get them back?” Brandt says. He scoffs. “Have you met us? We have no caution to begin with.”

Jane scowls at him, but nods. “Okay, maybe you don’t need to tell Hunley, but it wouldn’t hurt.”

“You don’t think he’d object?” Benji asks.

“No. What’s he gonna do? Demote you?” Brandt empties his glass. “You’re great agents.”

Jane leans in and gives both of them a long look. There’s an air of sadness about her. Regret. “They knew about Hanaway and me, remember? And we were still in the field together.” She leans back and tries a smile. “You’ll be fine.”

 

They schedule a meeting for the next day, and Hunley wastes no time calling them into his office. “Agents Dunn, Hunt. Take a seat.” He folds his hands on his desk and regards them with those icy blue eyes. “What did you need?”

“We wanted to inform you of something.”

“Yes?”

Ethan and Benji glance at each other. Benji clears his throat.

“Ethan and I are together.”

“As a couple,” Ethan adds, so as to be absolutely clear.

Hunley blinks, looks at each of them. “Okay,” he says. “Thank you for the disclosure. Was there anything else?”

They glance at each other again, a little confused.

“Is that all?” Ethan asks.

Hunley tilts his head analytically. “Are there...practical issues with the current arrangement?”

“Nothing like that, Secretary.”

“Then, yes, that’s all.” There’s an awkward beat in which none of them moves or says anything. “It wouldn’t be the first time agents in the IMF were in a relationship,” Hunley explains. A smile flickers on his mouth before he turns away from them and moves a pile of papers around on his desk. “Thank you, Agents.”

They shut the door behind them.

“I don’t know what I was expecting to go wrong, but that went surprisingly well,” Benji admits. Ethan flashes a grin and slips his hand into Benji’s in a rare display of public affection.

 

\- AFTER KASHMIR -

It’s Saturday evening and they’ve planned a night in for themselves. They’re both mostly healed by now, Ethan’s broken ribs included, but they’re both homebodies at heart. Benji, having cooked dinner, is sitting on the couch with his laptop. Ethan is finishing the washing up, thinking about the most efficient way to dry a saucepan. The type of dish towel is important, he decides. Cotton. But it has to be high quality, or else the fibres get everywhere. Perhaps some sort of high-speed air dryer would work better. He’ll have to see what he can source from work.

Benji’s voice pierces through his domestic thoughts. “Do you feel ready to talk about the last job?”

Ethan’s hands pause on the saucepan he’s currently drying. He’s not sure. Now is as good a time as any, he supposes. He’s used to keeping things in, not talking about them, just dealing with them silently. It’s good to be able to share. But it hurts.

“Ethan?”

He puts the pan down and joins Benji on the sofa. “Yeah, okay.” He takes a minute to settle. “Where do we start?”

“Right. So. Kashmir. We split up when you went after the detonator and Ilsa and I went to look for the other bomb.”

Ethan is very aware of this fact. He knows how this goes: they fill in the blanks for each other and try not to freak out when they hear about the crazier stuff.

“So how did you get the detonator?”

“You remember there were two helicopters?”

“And the first one took off with Walker in it.”

Ethan nods. “I managed to get into the second helicopter by climbing onto the payload and up the cable.”

Benji’s eyebrows fly up. “While it was in flight?”

“I mean, yeah.” Should he say? Yes. They’ve agreed to tell each other everything. “I fell off at one point, but I got ahold of it again and climbed back up.”

Benji’s face pales. “Alright, go on.”

“I got into the helicopter. I had to throw the crewmembers out. I got into the pilot’s seat and flew.”

“You don’t know how to fly a helicopter, right?”

“No, but” – Ethan shrugs – “it’s pretty intuitive.”

He explains the aerial fight: trying to drop the payload onto Walker’s helicopter, being shot at, spinning out of control, trying to ram the other helicopter before his fuel ran out, hitting them, and crashing on the mountainside.

“Everything make sense so far?”

Benji takes a deep breath, rubs his eyes, and nods. “What next?”

“I was near the cliff edge, coming back to my senses, but the other helicopter fuselage was rolling down the face towards me, and my seatbelt was jammed. I didn’t get out before it hit, so we both went over.”

He describes the cliffside they fell over and getting jammed in between the rocks. Falling onto another cliff edge. Brawling with Walker to get his hands on the detonator. Going over another cliff. Dispatching Walker and climbing up the rock face like he hasn't done in years.

Benji’s jaw drops in awe. “Holy shit.” He shakes his head in disbelief. “That’s amazing. Horrifying, but amazing. Didn’t you panic?”

“Yeah. I did. I was sure I was going to die.”

“You know, when you went after Walker,” Benji begins, “Ilsa asked me what the hell you were doing and I said I always thought it was better not to look.”

“But knowing about it is okay?”

“Yeah, because you’re alive to tell me about it.”

Ethan laughs humorlessly. “How did you guys find the other bomb?”

“We sifted through all the medical equipment. There was insane amounts of radiation. At one point I found an entire room full of boxes that pinged on the detector. I was going through those, and Ilsa decided she was going to look in the village because she thought Lane would have put it somewhere unexpected. I told her to wait for me. She didn’t. Anyway, she found it, but before she could tell me where she was, she was…” Benji searches for the word. “...taken. I went after her. She was tied up, and she was yelling something, but I couldn’t tell what because she was gagged.” He pauses. “Lane was there. Just him. I wasn’t being careful enough and he got the drop on me. We fought.” He smiles despite himself. “I got some good hits in.” The smile disappears. “He got some rope around my neck and dragged me around like a rag doll for a bit. Then he hung me up with it.”

Ethan swallows hard. There’s a bitter taste in his throat and he realises he’s breathing shallow, angry breaths. So that’s how those marks happened.

“You okay?” Benji asks.

Ethan looks up at him. He unfurrows his brow and blinks a few times. No freaking out, those are the rules. “Yeah.”

“Ilsa got free. She got a box under my feet, but I kicked it away accidentally when I tried to get Lane off of her. She gave me a broken bottle to cut the rope with. I passed out before I could. She saved my life, Ethan. And we got Lane. I tied him up with some trusty knots that I just so happen to know.”

The joke has no effect.

“Ethan.”

“I don’t like the idea of you being hanged.”

“And I don’t like the idea of you falling off a fucking cliff.” Benji’s face is stony. Ethan realises Benji's been controlling his own outrage and shock incredibly well up until now. “But that’s the job. And we’re both alive.” Benji puts his hands on Ethan’s shoulders. “You remember what we agreed?”

“Don’t freak out.”

“Yep. And then?”

“Accept what happened.”

“Yeah.”

Ethan pulls Benji into a hug and ignores the pain in his ribs. He holds on tight. Before they know it, they’re both shaking and clinging to one another. They’re together. Alive.

Ethan knows that he can accept what happened to Benji, and that Benji can accept what happened to Ethan. They’ve done it before. But first they need to grieve the fact that it happened at all.

 

 

Luther has been on assignment nearly constantly since Kashmir, so Ethan and Benji jump at the chance to catch up with him the first night he’s free. Agents typically don’t know where other agents live, and Luther expresses confusion when they tell him they have the same address. “So you both live here?” is the first thing he says when Benji opens the door for him.

“Yeah,” Benji says, and takes Luther’s jacket.

“Huh.”

Benji and Ethan look at each other.

“What?”

Ethan tries his hardest to telepathically say ‘it’ll be fine’ to Benji, but Benji has already started sputtering.

“I – we were gonna tell you after we made dinner, because we wanted to catch up first, and we – I mean...I’m sure…” He trails off and looks at Luther hopelessly.

“Tell me what?”

“The reason Benji and I live together, it’s...we’re together.”

“Oh.” Luther frowns in thought. He’s silent for a good ten seconds, during which Ethan senses Benji’s heart rate rising. “Since when?”

“Since we got back after capturing Lane the first time.”

“In London?”

Ethan nods.

Luther navigates to the couch and eases himself down. “Well, I feel stupid now for saying those things to Ilsa.”

“Don't worry about that,” Ethan says. “She understands. I love her like a sister.”

“How do you know what I said?” Luther raises his eyebrows in feigned surprise.

“You _know_ I was listening in.”

Luther sighs. “I think it's time for me to retire.”

Ethan and Benji look at each other.

“Alright, I'll bite,” Benji says. “What are you talking about?”

“I've known both of you how long? And I didn't see this? You've been right under my nose, two peas in a pod, and I didn't see it.”

They share another look.

“Well, we don't exactly flaunt it on the job,” Benji continues. “I like to think we're rather professional.”

Ethan grins.

“Yeah, I see it now,” Luther says. “I've seen that smile a lot lately. Alright. You have my blessing.”

“Um, thank you?” Ethan says.

Luther studies Benji for a moment, then looks back at Ethan. “Can I...ask about Julia?”

“What about her?”

Benji straightens ever so slightly.

“Wasn't it weird, seeing her again?”

Ethan nods a little, and his eyes narrow in thought. “Yeah. It was weird knowing that our lives are worlds apart.” He stares into nothing for a few seconds. “But we couldn't be together. She's happy. I'm happy.” A smile darts across his lips. “It's okay,” he says, almost more of a reassurance than a statement. Benji rests his hand on Ethan’s shoulder.

“It is okay.” Luther studies them both. “And you two are solid.”

Ethan feels Benji looking at him and he can almost hear Benji’s thoughts, wondering what’s going on in Ethan’s head. Ethan’s not even sure himself what’s going on his head. There’s remnants of Lane in there still, and fragments of old nightmares and fears.

“Spaghetti bolognese alright?” he asks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah I'm not a huge fan of this chapter, the flow feels off, but there's more stuff coming :)


	4. Sweet

\- AFTER KASHMIR -

_Bzzt bzzt._

Benji blinks at his phone in shock. It's a message from Ilsa.

_I'm in town, would love to meet up with you today if you're available xx_

He's at work right now, but it's nothing important, and he'd rather pass the time with a friend – she is a friend, isn't she? – than waste his life working on databases. Not that databases aren't crucial to national security, or anything. They’re just boring.

He shoots back the address of a little street cafe and a time, and she replies with ‘ _can’t_ _wait!! :)_ ’. For a moment he wishes she worked with him and Ethan in the IMF. But he’s glad she’s made it out of MI6, even if she’s still jet-setting around.

When she spots him, she smiles as wide as he’s ever seen.

“Oh, come here,” she says as she pulls him in for a hug. He welcomes the closeness. She seems genuinely happy to see him, and he's genuinely happy to see her. They both freeze for a second as they remember shared memories. Ilsa is the one to break the stillness.

“Benji.” She smiles again, that charming little twist of her lips. “How are you?”

“I'm good. Yeah. I'm all healed now. Just a few bruises and aches still going away.” He glances at her throat, he can't help himself. Like his, her throat still has the faintest marks, which you'd miss if you didn't know what to look for. “I’m back at work, just boring tech stuff, not back in the field yet. Ethan’s still on medical leave. He’s...good. Antsy.”

“I didn't ask about him.”

“I assumed you'd want to know.”

“I do. But I'm more concerned with you right now.”

“Why's that?”

“I care.”

Benji raises an eyebrow.

“I don't intend for this to sound mean,” she begins, “but you're a lot more vulnerable than he is.”

“What? Believe me, Ethan's vulnerable.”

“No, I know he is, he likes to hide it, I just mean…” She sighs. “I don't know. Never mind.”

Benji is curious more than anything. “No, what do you mean, vulnerable?”

Ilsa sighs a laugh. “I'm sorry, it’s nothing. It occurred to me, after we defused the bomb, that you are so much more…” He sees her search for the right word and he's hoping none of them are too uncomplimentary. “...sincere than any of the other agents I've known.”

“Sincere?”

“Sincere,” she insists. “You’re sweet. There's something pure about you.”

“...Okay.”

“Some people still have it, but they hide it away, deep, like Ethan does. You don't hide it. You've got this...spirit.”

“Alright.”

She sighs. “All I mean is that you're lucky that you still have that. You should take care of it.”

“This sounds like it could be an occupational hazard.”

“Not with you. It's your strength. You keep us human, Benji.”

Benji is silent at that. He's heard similar words from Ethan.

“And I think you’ve come really far, as an agent.”

“Yeah?”

“You’re a lot more confident now.”

“Huh. Thanks. I’ve done a lot over the past few years.” He pauses. Does she know about him and Ethan? “Ethan’s helped me a lot. Seen me through the hard ones.”

“He brings out the best in you.”

“Um...yeah.” He clears his throat. “So, what are you up to?”

“Can’t tell you that.” Ilsa winks at him. “Working. Nothing bad. Just can’t tell you.”

“You mean to say you’re not on holiday?”

“A girl can dream.”

“Just tell me no one’s forcing you to do horrible things still.”

“They’re not.”

“Good.”

There it is again, that strange silence. It’s not because of the distance between them, because there isn’t any distance between them, Benji knows, not since Kashmir.

“Ilsa, I – ”

“Benji, I want to apologise.”

Benji blinks. “What for?”

“For nearly getting you killed.”

“What, back in that house? That was on me, I should have been more careful – “

“No, I should have waited for you and we could have done it together, instead of me getting captured and you getting hanged.”

“I mean, I was pretty annoyed that you started without me, but that’s a bit beside the point, isn’t it?”

Ilsa chuckles despite herself. “I’m just sorry. I’m sorry that fucker got his hands on us again.”

He’s not sure he’s ever heard her swear. But he agrees. “Well, he got what was coming to him.”

When Ilsa speaks next, her voice is quiet and weak. “Do you get nightmares, too, Benji?”

Benji swallows hard. “Yeah.” About the sound of Lane’s voice. About rope around his neck. About struggling to stay conscious, but failing no matter how hard he tries. About Ethan disappearing in a white-hot nuclear blast. About failure.

He doesn’t say any of these things, but Ilsa understands immediately. He squeezes her shoulders. “Hey. We made it.”

Her blue eyes shine. She nods. Benji pulls her in for another hug.

“Um, quick question,” Benji says. “Who do you think would be better at laser tag, you or me?”

Ilsa frowns and tilts her head. “Me, of course.”

“I play more games than you.”

“I’ve been in the field longer.”

“But you haven’t seen me at the range.”

She scoffs. “Why do you ask?”

Benji points, and she follows his gaze across the street. There’s a sign emblazoned with ‘BLAST! Laser Tag’ in neon lights.

“No. Uh-uh.”

“Come onnn, Ilsa.”

“No.”

“Do you have anything better to do?”

“Not at the moment, no.”

“Right, then.”

She starts to protest, but Benji’s already crossing the street.

(Ilsa wins, but not by much.)

 

\- BEFORE KASHMIR -

“And you’re sure you want to do this?” Ethan asks.

“I’m sure.”

The cool air raises the hairs on their naked bodies. Ethan frowns down at Benji. “I just think you might be bringing yourself unnecessary – ”

“You’re with me, aren’t you?”

“Always.”

“Then I’m sure.”

Ethan thanks his stars that this person came into his life. He’s going to do everything he can to make sure Benji feels his gratitude.

Benji shifts side-to-side on the wooden chair, then nods when he’s ready. Ethan winds the rope slowly around one of Benji’s elbows and touches him gently when he flinches at the cool texture of the rope. Ethan passes the cord around and through the back of the chair and around Benji’s other elbow. He adjusts where the rope lies on Benji’s skin, taking the time to find just the right place for comfort and fit. As he works, he glances at Benji every now and then. Just to check. When he’s finished, Benji’s arms and torso are tied to the chair in a simple but strong pattern of knots. Ethan notices Benji’s breathing is uneven. He places his hand on Benji's exposed stomach. He's trembling.

“Benji? You okay?”

Benji says nothing, just keeps breathing shudderingly.

“Do you want me to untie you?”

He catches Ethan’s gaze. His expression is desperate and raw. “No,” Benji croaks. “Just give me a sec.”

Ethan keeps his hands on Benji's skin, trying to ground him. “I'm here.” Benji’s breathing gets steadier, easier, less burdened by painful memories. Then he takes one deep breath in, holds it, and lets it go.

“Do you want to keep going?”

“Yes. Please.” His face is more relaxed now, and his eyes almost sparkle. He looks free.

“Do you trust me?”

Benji nods.

Ethan smirks; he can’t help himself. Benji’s eyebrows twitch in a little frown and his lips twist in a wary smile.

“What – “ he begins.

“Just relax,” Ethan says, and sits on Benji’s lap facing him.

“‘Kay.”

Ethan runs his hands over Benji’s bound arms and leans in to kiss him. It’s a rough kiss, punctuated by hot breaths; Ethan catches Benji’s bottom lip between his and sucks gently, eliciting a sigh. He cups Benji’s jaw with both his hands and scrapes his nails against the light stubble there as he grinds his hips against Benji’s. Ethan looks down. They’re both hard. He rubs himself against Benji’s erection briefly to make Benji gasp, which he does. Ethan holds back another sly smile. He climbs off to fetch the bottle of lube and squeezes out a palmful. Climbing back onto Benji’s lap, he runs his palm over Benji’s dick, coating him in lube.

Benji flinches. “Cold,” he gasps out.

“Sorry,” Ethan says, presses his lips to Benji’s, and swipes his tongue across Benji’s teeth. He takes his hand from Benji’s erection and strokes himself two, three times before he moves his hand to his own body, slipping his lubed-up fingers between his ass. Benji’s eyes go big as he realises what Ethan has planned.

“Ethan,” he breathes.

“Yes, Benji?” Ethan replies cheekily. He’s confident in this plan. As long as he doesn’t overbalance, and the chair holds up under their...efforts. Ethan slips a finger inside himself, then two, to prepare himself. Benji’s face is flushed and he’s breathing heavily. Ethan meets his eyes. A third finger. He bites his lip and watches Benji’s mouth open a little further in arousal. He works in and out with one hand and jerks himself off with the other. Benji’s face gets more and more tormented with desire. When Benji looks ready to combust, Ethan removes his fingers, drops another kiss on Benji’s lips, and lifts himself just enough to guide himself onto Benji’s dick. He slides down slowly, slowly, and lets out a measured breath. He throws his head back as he reaches the base and sighs contentedly.

“Fuck, Ethan, you’re so…”

Ethan looks down at Benji, who looks just about ready to sob, he looks so enthralled. Ethan smiles kindly. “You alright?”

“God, I wish I could touch you, you’re so fucking sexy.”

“I’ll do the touching.”

Benji just gapes at him, eyes as wide and deep as pools of water.

Ethan’s feet don’t completely reach the floor, but he can lift himself enough, he guesses, if he braces himself on Benji’s knees and pushes up with the balls of his feet. Sex looks so much easier on television, he thinks.

He shifts a little and unintentionally squeezes around Benji, who jerks back against the rope. Ethan chuckles under his breath. He shushes Benji soothingly as he lifts himself up slowly. A groan cracks from Benji’s throat. Ethan loves the feeling of being filled with this warmth. Of holding Benji inside himself.

He’s lifted himself as high as he can, and so he slides back down again, and Benji moans once again.

“I don’t think I’m gonna last very long,” Benji breathes.

“Don’t worry. Just let it be.”

Speed is not an option in this position, so instead Ethan tries to make the motion as exquisite as he can for Benji. He glides up and down, controlling his movements with his arms. Every muscle in his body is working together to make this go as planned. He looks down at Benji, whose eyes are fluttering shut. Benji lets out a moan. Ethan chances a little squeeze and the moan is cut short. He relaxes as he slides down, then clenches his tight ring again as he rises up.

“Oh f – ”

Ethan himself is panting. The gliding sensation feels _good_ , but he’s focused on working on Benji. He tightens himself more and more, and Benji actually whimpers. Ethan’s thighs are starting to burn. He can’t stop, no matter how tired he is; he has to make this good. Benji’s body moves involuntarily as he gets close, but he’s caught fast in the ropes. The chair creaks dangerously.

“Come on,” Ethan whispers as he works himself up and down. His wrists are sore from holding himself up, but he feels the warmth grow in himself, too. “Come on.” Up and down, as smoothly as he can, up and down.

He senses Benji tense up and strain under the ropes, then feels Benji’s cock spasm just before he empties himself into Ethan with a whimper.

Benji’s breath catches. Ethan lets him ride out the waves. He pulls himself off of Benji gently, dripping a little, and rearranges himself on Benji’s lap so his legs can relax. Ethan snakes one arm around Benji’s shoulders and attends to his own erection with his other hand.

Benji tips his head back. He has a totally blissed-out look on his face. Ethan presses his forehead against Benji’s.

“Okay?” he asks.

Benji just smiles and nods half-heartedly. Ethan continues to stroke himself. His fingers run up into Benji’s hair. He pants shallowly as he beats himself off. Just the knowledge that Benji is hot and alive underneath him, skin to skin, is enough to make his blood run feverishly warm. He whispers Benji’s name and steals a kiss in between gasping breaths. Foreheads still touching, Ethan makes a fist in Benji’s hair. His hips jolt forward. He pushes himself into an orgasm, pumping each wave out onto Benji’s chest until he’s completely empty and still. Fatigued, Ethan slouches back.

Benji’s looking at him with raised eyebrows. He takes a deep breath and sighs happily. “That was insane,” he says. “Never in my wildest dreams could I have imagined that.”

“How was the rope?”

Benji winks. “You made it great.”

“I was worried.”

“It was perfect. You’re amazing.”

“My thighs are sore.”

Benji grins that asymmetrical smile that only reveals some of his teeth. Ethan’s heart fills up.

 

\- AFTER KASHMIR -

When Ethan checks the mail, there’s an odd envelope with his name on it. He’s on high alert until he notices the faint IMF seal on the back. Benji’s not home yet, and he wonders if he should wait. But this might be bad news. In which case he’d like to process it first so he can break it to Benji calmly.

The paper inside is blank, probably coded or otherwise disguised. The IMF doesn't always tell its agents about all the tech it makes use of. Invisible ink is a little old-fashioned, Ethan thinks, but he runs the paper under a blacklight just to be sure. Nothing.

Maybe there's a chip layered inside the paper. He passes his phone over it. A window pops up, not the one he expects. On the screen is an image of the paper, but it's not blank any more; instead it shows bright blue text. He nods with understanding: the paper is encoded with data that can only be seen when it’s processed through the phone camera. Some type of sophisticated programming. He'll have to show Benji later; maybe he can explain how it works.

The letter is addressed to him; he reads it little by little, as only so much fits on the screen. It’s instructions...he has no choice in the matter...being put on extended medical leave with Benji...ordered to go outside the country for convalescence...a note from the current Secretary to “take the time to recover”. Ethan knows what that means. They might as well assign him a live-in therapist.

Hang on, he’s being put on medical leave with Benji? Out of the country?

Is this a forced holiday?

Benji walks in just then and throws his keys in the key dish.

“Hey, Ethan.”

“Hey, Benj – can you tell me what you think this means?” Ethan holds out the paper.

“Oh, is this one of those, uh, visual semaphore encryption thingies?”

“I...don’t know?”

Benji holds his phone over the paper and frowns at it. “It sounds like we’re being ordered to go on holiday together.”

“That can’t be.”

“Why not? The IMF knows we’re together, and we narrowly avoided blowing up half the planet, giving us a holiday together is the least they could do.”

“But you’re back at work already.”

“I’m only doing minor stuff. You had broken ribs; you need more time to heal. And process. You’ll heal faster if I’m with you. They know that.”

“I’m healed.”

Benji slouches incredulously, almost like a full-body eyeroll. “No, you’re not. You need more time. It’s only been a few weeks.”

Ethan’s face contorts in indignation; Benji actually laughs at him.

“Sorry. No, we’re gonna take this time and we’re gonna use it. Hey, they put us on leave together. Let’s make the most of it.”

Ethan grumbles. “So where do you want to go?”

“Eh...I can’t handle humidity, so nowhere near southeast Asia or South America.” Benji’s eyes widen and his lips stretch out into a little ‘o’. “Ooh, I’ve got an idea.”

“What?”

“I know exactly what we’re doing on our holiday. And you’re paying.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)


	5. Human

\- AFTER KASHMIR -

The door to their hotel room closes and Ethan gravitates to the window to look out over the London cityscape. As familiar as it is, he hasn’t really had a chance to enjoy it until now. There's a cushy _floomph_ followed by the sound of a zipper as Benji throws the suitcase onto the bed and starts to unpack. Out of the corner of his eye, Ethan sees Benji pull out their tuxes, inspect them for creases, and hang them up fastidiously. A length of rope follows them into the closet. Ethan takes off his shoes and stretches out his legs like a cat. He stares blankly in Benji's direction as he finishes unpacking.

“Ethan, are you alright?”

“What? Yeah.”

Benji bites his lip. “That’s not what I...you’ve seemed really flat lately.”

Ethan raises his eyebrows. “I suppose.”

“Okay. Is there anything I can do? Do you want to talk about anything?”

Ethan searches for the words. What is there to talk about? He’s already been over this with Benji. Ethan knows he didn’t blow up half the world, but it still feels like he kind of did. How can he explain that the fear of failure is in his bones? His blood? It has been for years. Julia said it herself – Ethan will always be there to stop disaster for as long as he’s able. Ethan knows that, someday, he won’t be there. He’ll lose everything and everyone, and all of the good that he’s tried to do over the years will be undone. It’s inevitable.

Benji is sitting on the edge of the bed, looking at Ethan with patient, tender eyes.

“God, Benji, I – ” Ethan chokes up. He thinks of all the destruction that he nearly caused, and for a moment it’s like it all really happened. The nuclear blast. The radiation spreading out over vast swathes of land. The innocent lives snuffed out because of his failures, his personal failings. He squeezes his eyes shut. It’s too much.

“Ethan. What is it?”

“It’s lingering.”

It only takes Benji a second to figure out what Ethan’s talking about.

“It’ll pass, Ethan. It takes time to get over these things.”

“No, I know, that’s not what I mean. I mean I...I can’t shake that we nearly lost it all. Because of me.”

“ _What_ are you talking about?” Benji’s voice has a little edge. Ethan’s not sure what that means.

“This is all my fault.”

“It’s not. Nothing happened. We’re a team. It’s not just on one person to do everything. We all play a part. It takes all of us.”

“And if _I_ fail, then – ”

“Stop taking responsibility for everything!”  
  
“Benji – ”

“Stop it! You deserve better! It kills me to see you beating yourself up over things that aren’t even your fault, that have nothing to do with you. I’m not mad, Ethan, I’m just – you are _so_ compassionate and _so_ self-sacrificing, you’ve helped so many people that will never even know the lengths you’ve gone to, and yet you’re still blaming yourself for the bad things that happen. It’s not your fault. You’re not the one building nuclear bombs or selling arms to terrorists or developing biological weapons. You’re the one _stopping_ them.” Benji heaves a sigh and looks at the ground for a few seconds. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be digging into you about this.”

“I’m just worried that it won’t be enough,” Ethan says quietly.

Benji’s shoulders fall. “I know. I’m sorry.”

“I can’t stop thinking about this mission. I can’t. And I don’t sleep. This one _was_ my fault. All I had to do was hold on to the plutonium.”

“If you did that, Luther would be dead.”

“And I wouldn’t be able to deal with that either. But at least then it would just be one person.”

“That’s not what the IMF is about. We’re family, that’s our strength. Hunley said it himself; that’s why he joined, that’s why he picked you, that’s why he was fine with us being together. You know, I don’t believe in fate, but I can’t help thinking that we are exactly where we need to be. Except for the fact that you take personal responsibility for everything.”

“I don’t think I can ever stop feeling responsible.”

Benji sits down next to him and puts his hand on Ethan’s cheek. “I know. That’s one of the things that makes you such a good person.” He puts his forehead to Ethan’s. “I’m sorry for ranting about that. We’re a team, Ethan. I’m right here with you. We carry it together.” He plants a kiss squarely on Ethan’s mouth. “And I’m here for good, so get used to it.” They sit there together, feeling their presence as one, and Ethan lets out a long breath as he finally relaxes a little. Benji pulls him into his arms. His body is warm and Ethan breathes in the scent of Benji: laundry detergent, day-old pomade, a hint of electrical tape adhesive (the man's always doing something with tape), and a sweet, soft vitality that is all Benji's. He nestles into Benji's shoulder. This is home. Benji’s hand caresses the hair at the base of Ethan’s head. Somehow, his touch extracts the noise and static from Ethan’s mind, and slowly, the tumult inside him lulls.

“Are you okay?” Benji whispers.

Ethan answers him with a nod.

“Good.” Benji thumps Ethan on the shoulder, then springs to his feet. “While we’re on, uh, holiday, or whatever the hell they called it, we should make the most of it. Come on. It’ll be good for us.” He smiles kindly. “Hop in the shower and use that luxe shower gel I brought, it’ll help you relax. I’ll grab us some coffees. Be back in a tick.”

The shower gel does help. (It has lavender and rosemary, Ethan observes.) Benji returns just as Ethan’s getting out of the shower. He dries himself off but doesn’t bother covering himself up as he rummages through the clothes to find a pair of underwear. When he turns around, he’s faced with a wide-eyed, blushing Benji.

“What?”

Benji slurps his coffee and nearly chokes.

“You alright?”

Benji just gestures at Ethan’s naked body. “You’re gonna give me a heart attack one of these days. Give a guy some warning, jeez.”

Ethan pulls Benji in and kisses him, tasting the fresh coffee still on his lips. “Thank you,” he says.

“For what?”

“For sticking with me.”

Benji’s face falls.

“And for the coffee.”

Benji chuckles despite himself. His eyes crinkle up as he smiles, making Ethan’s stomach do a little flip. Benji throws some jeans at him. “Put on some clothes, you duffer.”

 

Benji has spent more time in London than Ethan – “I lived ‘round here while I was at uni” – and so he takes Ethan’s hand and takes him for a walk through the neighbourhood.

“We’ve got a few hours,” he says, “so we can do whatever you want in the meantime.”

“A few hours? Before what?”

“I may have made dinner reservations.”

Ethan grins. He’s tickled. “You made dinner reservations?”

“You’re not the only one who can be smooth.”

“Is this a date?”

“Well, I hope so.” Benji’s eyebrows fly up and he bites his lip comically. Although Ethan finds it more arousing than comical. “Will you go on a date with me?” Benji asks facetiously.

“It would be a pleasure.” He squeezes Benji’s hand.

They wander the streets until the sun starts to set. Benji starts to check his watch, but he doesn’t say anything, and Ethan lets him take control of their evening. It’s nice not having to worry about...anything, really. Any of the small stuff, that is. Ethan always worries about the big stuff.

Benji leads them down a street busy with pedestrians; it’s lined with all sorts of restaurants and niche shops that stay open into the night.

“We don’t have to dress up, do we?” he asks, a little self-conscious. He’s in jeans and a casual button-up. Not that he can’t work it, because he can, but there’s only so much you can do with rolled-up sleeves and bags full of charm.

“Don’t worry, we’re dressed perfectly appropriately. It’s relaxed. But nice,” Benji adds quickly, as if he’s afraid Ethan will think it’s not nice.

They duck into a narrow, unassuming little door between two wine bars. Inside, the place is a pleasantly smokey, candlelit affair with exposed brick and climbing vines and only a handful of tables with white tablecloths. Benji shoots a nervous glance at Ethan.

“This is beautiful,” Ethan says, and means it.

“It’s a family-owned place that’s been around since, like, the 1800’s.”

“Amazing.”

They’re given a table in a comfortable corner (with all exits visible, Ethan notes). The menu is full of simple but high-quality classic dishes. This is comfort food at its finest. They order and settle into the snug atmosphere.

“So, what’s on the agenda for the next few days?” Ethan asks.

“Royal Opera.”

“Really?”

“I seem to recall you promising to take me to Turandot, oh, two years ago?”

“I did. I did.”

“Didn’t you wonder why I packed our tuxes?”

“Not really. You’re very fancy these days.”

Benji scoffs. “Whatever that’s supposed to mean. Anyway, that’s tomorrow night.”

Ethan pauses. “And tonight?”

The overly-innocent look on Benji’s face makes Ethan burst out in laughter. Benji starts to laugh, too. “I dunno,” he says, “That’s up to you.”

Ethan kicks him gently under the table. Benji’s about to respond in kind when the waiter arrives with their food.

 

After dinner, they barely get in the door before they start tearing each other’s clothes off.

“Good date?” Benji giggles.

“The best,” Ethan responds around a deep kiss. Benji runs his fingers through Ethan’s hair and they half-stumble towards the bed. The shoes are the first things to come off, followed by belts and shirts. Ethan pushes Benji onto the mattress and climbs on top. They fumble with their pants; Ethan gets his off first and then yanks Benji’s off. As he peels off his boxers, he twists in just the wrong way, and there’s a warning twinge in his ribs.

“Hey,” Ethan murmurs as he nuzzles at Benji’s jaw. “I should take it easy tonight. Nothing strenuous.”

“We don’t want to put you out of commission.”

Ethan chuckles in response.

“Lie down next to me.”

He does.

“Other side. You’ll need your left hand.”

Huh. That’s the hand Ethan uses when he masturbates. He thinks he knows where this is going.

Benji steals a kiss before he lies back on the pillows. His left hand slots comfortably into Ethan’s right hand. With his free hand, Benji slowly starts to touch himself, letting his eyes roam over Ethan’s form.

“Benji…”

Benji bites his lip and smiles at Ethan. “Yes?” he asks invitingly.

Ethan huffs a little sigh of amusement. It feels good to be looked at this way, totally admired without judgment. And Benji’s eyes are half-lidded, and his cheeks are starting to blush, and his hand looks absolutely erotic as it bobs up and down, revealing and then covering his smooth tip. Need rises in Ethan’s chest and he strokes himself languidly with his left hand. They fall into a rhythm together. Their breathing gets harder and faster. Their eyes explore each other’s bodies, but for the most part, they hold each other's gazes as they delve deeper and deeper into sensation. The grip on Ethan’s right hand tightens; he looks up from Benji's busy hand and sees Benji’s open mouth and his slightly furrowed brows. Ethan can’t look away from him, because right now, this is the most important thing in the world. He feels his hips thrust up and down under his motions. Benji’s lips quiver. Ethan's legs tense up as he gets close and he senses that Benji is at the same point as he is. They're gasping now and stroking feverishly. With one last push, they go over the edge together. Looking at Benji's face as he comes, Ethan can't help but wring himself dry; the man looks so blissful and sweet that Ethan's heart seems to stop for a second.

It takes a minute for them to catch their breath, then Benji leans over and grabs some tissues to clean themselves up. They wipe away what they can and lie back again. But Ethan isn't totally satisfied.

“Do you...have the energy to tie me up?” he asks.

“Of course.” Benji’s smile is good-natured, the way it so often is when he’s with Ethan.

“I want you to.”

“Okay. How do you want to be?”

Ethan kneels on the bed, sitting on his heels, and puts his hands behind his back.

“That okay for your ribs?”

“Yeah.”

Benji nods and touches his shoulder before beginning his work. This part always feels like they’re the only two people in the whole world, just a heartbeat away from each other. Ethan has come to savour this closeness. Even in the silence, he feels as close to Benji as he ever has – the warmth of Benji’s hands on Ethan’s skin, the tenderness of the carefully-tightened knots, the devotion of the rope that worships the body.

When Benji’s done, Ethan's head is pulled back a little by the rope around his forehead. The rope runs down his back, with a thick knot between his shoulder blades, and continues down to his elbows. It binds his arms to his sides. It runs down over his thighs and binds them to his calves. A silky blindfold over his eyes sharpens his hearing and makes the sensations on his skin completely fill his awareness.

Benji's hands roam over Ethan's body. They caress and massage all the tight spots, easing out the tension until Ethan relaxes completely. Benji’s breath ghosts over his cheek and Benji's lips brush against his ear.

“I love you,” Benji whispers, and plants kisses along Ethan's jaw and down his exposed neck. The emotion in him wells up with every touch. When Benji reaches the tender skin just above his thigh, he feels ready to collapse in a hundred different ways.

“Benji,” he says with a raw voice. His lips find his safeword. “ _Cypress._ Untie me. I need you.”

The bonds fall away one by one and the blindfold comes off. Once Ethan is free, he desperately wraps his arms around Benji and buries his face in Benji's shoulder. He doesn't know what he's feeling but he knows he needs Benji to carry him for a while.

“I've got you,” Benji says. Somehow, he knows.

 

The next evening, they have a dinner cooked especially for them at the hotel before they suit up in their tuxes. Benji, in his immeasurable preparedness, has brought a lint roller and a hand steamer for touch-ups. When they’re finally ready for the opera, they’re as immaculate as secret agents should be, with not a hair out of place. They get into the lift to go down to the ground floor and Ethan takes the opportunity to admire Benji – he looks especially sharp and handsome tonight. And he’s wearing that tuxedo like a model. Ethan chuckles to himself. _I’m so lucky._ Other guests fill the elevator and Benji squeezes closer to Ethan to make room. Their shoulders touch; Ethan’s heart flutters. He glances over. Benji hasn’t noticed. Ethan’s brain helpfully supplies the memory of something Luther said to him years ago: _“You’re still corny, Ethan.”_ It’s true.

The best seats to watch the opera are actually in the middle of the orchestra stalls, which is where the director watches rehearsals from, according to Benji. He’s booked these seats specially. It’s nice to be able to actually watch Turandot, instead of trying to prevent an assassination, Ethan thinks.

“Nice not being shot at this time,” Benji says.

“I was _just_ thinking that.”

They watch the seats gradually fill up.

Ethan puts an arm around Benji’s shoulders. “Sorry I didn’t take you to this earlier.”

“We haven’t had time.”

“We should make time.”

Benji laughs at him. “Yeah, in between all the saving the world and stuff.”

The lights dim.

“Hey,” Ethan murmurs in Benji’s ear. “Nice tux.” A sly smile tugs at his lips. Benji turns to him, and their faces are close, seated as they are in the cosy seats and low light. His gaze darts from Ethan’s eyes to his mouth. A grin spreads over Benji’s face, and as the curtains part and the music begins, Ethan leans in and kisses the man he loves.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter was a few days late. I hope it's good.
> 
> God, I love these two.


End file.
